Fatigue

Realest Part of Me:

days like these
when numbers buzz electric
through my veins
i like to be reductionist
say
dopamine
serotin
oxytocin

like a chant
like a rhyme darling

see it can make me feel true
this photorealistic fantasy reality
it's all just a simulation, hon
totally natural

here is the truth:
my chem mark is lower than i wish it was
and my stomach isn't flat
i haven't tidied my desk in weeks
and thursday i have finals

it doesn't matter,
that's what i scream to myself
in my little glass jar
but the world is shouting for my attention
steamy marks on the glass
when they pound on the outside

see, this is life:
people scream at you, future, future.
see, this is life:
it's short and then you die.

last night i should've studied.
instead, what did i did?
put on jazz, lo-fi, hip-hop, French House
and danced through the living room

if they could've seen me
teachers and corporate shills
my hands precise lotuses,
my elbows sharp beats,
if they could've felt the
sensual sway of my bones
i know
they would've been speechless
they would've chastised me

it's the beat, i scream in my ecstatic humanity
it's the groove

oh my scandalous joy. my sinful shameful
flesh and blood. i'm alive! right? don't we say that?
i'll dance upon the bones.

future, future. as if.
i'm half in the grave
thank god

fuck death! i cry to the heavens
fuck the future!
i'll dance until i'm dead, baby
and not a day sooner

Grades

grades, babe
they're insubstantial
fine and grainy
like the particulate matter
stuck in my lungs

they're like bad old thoughts
and old bad thoughts
that stick around
and give you nightmares
on rainy days

see, darling
i'd like to be something sublime
wish i could make my body a whip
wish i could spill beauty
like a fat can of paint

see grades whisper around my head
but numbers are a lie
and isn't pi irrational?
checkmate!

i'd like to pay an homage
to everything that feels real
because i spend my life
on real things that don't

painted skull on my desk.
keyboard. click-clack.
grades are gloomy habits.
grades are holding me down!

i'm not breaking shackles
but i'm liberating myself
bit by bit
from this capitalist enterprise

see darling
we all wear chains
but at least we should choose which ones
but at least we should leave some slack
wait, isn't that ropes?

i'd like to dance in the moonlight
i'd like to let go of my sadness
oh, oh babe.
oh, oh babe.
i hold on so tight
so, so tight
i hold on so tight
so, so tight
i hold on so tight
so, so tight